Monthly Archives: April 2014

Fender Bender: 2nd online date




That is what the name should have been.

First lets point out the obvious for this post.

He DID NOT look like his pictures. He wasn’t horrible looking, but if he feels he has to use a picture of WHEN he had hair 5 years ago then that’s a big hell to the no.

I will say that I was about 2 hours late to this date because of the time change and because I was completely hung over.
It was good that I was 2 hours because that is how long it took him to get a table at the brunch spot. So technically I arrived just on time.

I will admit that I may have thrown this play because I was not attracted to him, so the first thing I ask for was a mimosa!

He wore a trucker hat, a red hot chilli peppers shirt and a necklace with a big ass guitar on it. I then realized his profile had fender in it so I automatically knew where this conversation was going. And I was right. The guy spoke to me as if he was on some sort of audition. Running is resume of “talent” he worked with.
Then he grabbed his phone like it rang or something, and said, “oh that’s the guitar player from – – – , I will get back with him.”

The only good thing that I can say was pleasant was the fact that he teaches kids music and the eggs benedict.

As we parted, this fool handed me his business card which was a picture of him holding a bass guitar and a shitty grin.

Ummmm NEXT!…………



Tagged , , ,

Signs Pt 1. Not by M. Night Shyamalan


Currently Listening to: Ace of Base – I Saw the Sign


I think back at my so called relationships I have had to see what I was doing wrong with dating. There are always signs to why a relationship will or did fail. You just choose to see them and make the decision of weather you want to continue or not.
Names changed to protect the not so innocent.
Channing Tatum:
I met Channing around age 22 at a club in Houston, TX. I caught him staring at me and thought he was cute. For the whole night, he just stood there and stared at me until I finally walked up to him and asked for his number.
1st Sign: This dude had no self confidence what so ever. But he was cute so I kept going.
While we where “dating” I noticed he wasn’t too bright, not in skin color, more like his brain was missing some puzzle pieces. He was 22 and was on a 3 year GED plan.
2nd Sign: It is taking him 3 years to get his GED. Enough said!
Yet he was really sweet, he kept doing the dumbest shit and having to apologize for it every time.
I have never heard the words; I’m Sorry, more times in my life. It was at least 20 times a day.
At that point I just gave up and cut him loose. He was good in bed but bad on land.
Morris Chesnutt:
First Sign: We had the same last name. And his family was from Louisiana like mine. I mean we were probably related!
Morris approached me at gym I was working at. He seamed like the perfect man. Tall, handsome and had his shit together. He was 8 years older than me and all the women wanted him yet he chose me.
Our first date was like a pretty women except for me not being a hooker. He took me to this super fancy restaurant and ordered everything.
Second Sign: He ordered everything for me. I was not able to order anything I wanted or at least look at the menu because he knew what was best.
I basically started to fall for this guy. Not really because I he was the amazing person but because he did everything for me. Now that I think if it, I don’t remember him ever saying anything remotely funny or really laughing and letting loose.
I guess he felt I was ready to meet his best friends from out of town. The whole group was in there mid 30s and I was in my mid twenties. Whenever they made a reference to something, he would turn to me and say I am too young to understand. Which really pissed me off.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was the night we watched the state of the union together. Yea load of fun! (NOT) During the State of the Union, he would pause and explain parts of it to me. At that point I fell asleep. He took me falling asleep as not understand so he decided to DVR it and planned to explain it to me later. I fell asleep on him and the State of the Union because that shit was boring!

As I recall these failed attempts at love I am very grateful that these never lasted.