Fender Bender: 2nd online date

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Fail!

That is what the name should have been.

First lets point out the obvious for this post.

He DID NOT look like his pictures. He wasn’t horrible looking, but if he feels he has to use a picture of WHEN he had hair 5 years ago then that’s a big hell to the no.

I will say that I was about 2 hours late to this date because of the time change and because I was completely hung over.
It was good that I was 2 hours because that is how long it took him to get a table at the brunch spot. So technically I arrived just on time.

I will admit that I may have thrown this play because I was not attracted to him, so the first thing I ask for was a mimosa!

He wore a trucker hat, a red hot chilli peppers shirt and a necklace with a big ass guitar on it. I then realized his profile had fender in it so I automatically knew where this conversation was going. And I was right. The guy spoke to me as if he was on some sort of audition. Running is resume of “talent” he worked with.
Then he grabbed his phone like it rang or something, and said, “oh that’s the guitar player from – – – , I will get back with him.”

The only good thing that I can say was pleasant was the fact that he teaches kids music and the eggs benedict.

As we parted, this fool handed me his business card which was a picture of him holding a bass guitar and a shitty grin.

Ummmm NEXT!…………

 

 

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Signs Pt 1. Not by M. Night Shyamalan

 

Currently Listening to: Ace of Base – I Saw the Sign

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I think back at my so called relationships I have had to see what I was doing wrong with dating. There are always signs to why a relationship will or did fail. You just choose to see them and make the decision of weather you want to continue or not.
Names changed to protect the not so innocent.
Channing Tatum:
I met Channing around age 22 at a club in Houston, TX. I caught him staring at me and thought he was cute. For the whole night, he just stood there and stared at me until I finally walked up to him and asked for his number.
1st Sign: This dude had no self confidence what so ever. But he was cute so I kept going.
While we where “dating” I noticed he wasn’t too bright, not in skin color, more like his brain was missing some puzzle pieces. He was 22 and was on a 3 year GED plan.
2nd Sign: It is taking him 3 years to get his GED. Enough said!
Yet he was really sweet, he kept doing the dumbest shit and having to apologize for it every time.
I have never heard the words; I’m Sorry, more times in my life. It was at least 20 times a day.
At that point I just gave up and cut him loose. He was good in bed but bad on land.
Morris Chesnutt:
First Sign: We had the same last name. And his family was from Louisiana like mine. I mean we were probably related!
Morris approached me at gym I was working at. He seamed like the perfect man. Tall, handsome and had his shit together. He was 8 years older than me and all the women wanted him yet he chose me.
Our first date was like a pretty women except for me not being a hooker. He took me to this super fancy restaurant and ordered everything.
Second Sign: He ordered everything for me. I was not able to order anything I wanted or at least look at the menu because he knew what was best.
I basically started to fall for this guy. Not really because I he was the amazing person but because he did everything for me. Now that I think if it, I don’t remember him ever saying anything remotely funny or really laughing and letting loose.
I guess he felt I was ready to meet his best friends from out of town. The whole group was in there mid 30s and I was in my mid twenties. Whenever they made a reference to something, he would turn to me and say I am too young to understand. Which really pissed me off.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was the night we watched the state of the union together. Yea load of fun! (NOT) During the State of the Union, he would pause and explain parts of it to me. At that point I fell asleep. He took me falling asleep as not understand so he decided to DVR it and planned to explain it to me later. I fell asleep on him and the State of the Union because that shit was boring!

As I recall these failed attempts at love I am very grateful that these never lasted.

 

 

Sleep to Dream

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Currently Listening To : Color Me Badd – I Wanna Sex You Up

So I have these crazy super realistic dreams. I say am going to try to write them down, but why not blog about it.

Dream:
So I am in a club and pick up this guy and take him back to my place. Instead of getting down and dirty right away, we watch Leonardo DiCaprio movies. I then proceed to turn to him and ask him what’s his favorite DiCaprio movie. All of a sudden the guy turns in to Leonardo DiCaprio. So I proceed to give him a blow job. (How can you pass up an opportunity at Gilbert’s Grapes) But instead of having one dick, there is two!!! TWO PENISES chunking the deuce towards my mouth.

What the hell kind of dream was that. So here is what I think the dream meant.

1. I felt bad about him not getting an Oscar so he got a blow job.
2. I had a hotdog craving
3. I’m pregnant (not really but don’t all dream books say your pregnant)
4. I just really need to get laid

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Blackula

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Currently Listening To: Jay Z – Big Pimpin

So your are not going to believe this shit, I went on a date with a gigolo. Yes, a man of the night (Not Blackula). I like that name Blackula, that will be his name. So I meet Blackula a couple of weeks before at a wedding. he was with a date I assumed was his girlfriend that lived in Los Angeles. Well, when my number was asked for, I thought it was for Blakula plus 1, no it was just for Blackula. Imagine the up roar. Well I was later told by someone from the wedding party that Blackula was a man of the night and his date was a client.

When he text to meet for a drink, I was hesitant because I knew what he did and really what can come out of this. Me date and marry a gigolo and have little gigolo babies, No! Neither was I thinking of sex with him, I have no idea where this man has been yet I still went because I was intrigued by his profession, plus I wanted to see if he would tell me.

I put on my best wig, yes I said wig, and some heels and hit the town to meet this man of the night. He looked very well dressed and had a great smile. I grabbed a glass of wine and began to chit chat with him. As he talked he had the Keanu Reeves surfer sound to his voices that was very annoying to listen too. I thought, that wonder why he is a gigolo, he is stupid. Blackula began to tell me all of the wonderful places he has traveled and seen.

So asked him what he did for a living to let him travel. His answer was, “excuse me, I need to use the restroom.” No this fool did not just avoid the question. As I grabbed my 2nd glass of wine, I was determined to ask him the question again when he came back. When he arrived back to the table be processed to tell me, “I am a man of the night, a male escort.” I was actually shocked or at least acted like it. He told me the ends and the outs of the business which to be honest, I was pretty jealous off. I mean, this man has women pay him thousands of dollars to just go to a damn concert with no intention of sex! Stupid Fucking Women! As he started talking I noticed him trying to lure me in with his blue ocean like eyes. Oh , I know what game you are trying to play and I am gooooooood at them. I don’t know if it was the 4th glass of wine or his knowledge of books and learning that he writes that I began to become attracted to him. So at this point, we are both tipsy playing this eye gazing game with each other like hypnotist. He tried to kiss me and I pulled away, saying that he will not get the pleasure with out my consent. As we closed the tab and prepared to go we hoped on the elevator to go to our cars, I decided to stop at a random floor. Once I done this, I pushed him against a wall and began to kiss him. Ok, I know what your thinking, “why didn’t you kiss him and just let sweat it out till next time.” Listen, this guy us a gigolo, the only good that may come out of this is good, safe, casual sex which  I may be ok with.

My first online date

Currently Listening To: Eminem – Not Afraid

 

I just got back from my first “date” from online dating site. I was really nervous because when I think about meeting people online, I  think about the craigslist killer.   His profile was intriguing but left a lot of whole about who he really is. We will call him Nate. Nate wasn’t no Brad Pit via his pictures, but by his profile, he seemed like he would be like to get to know him more. Where we meet was extremely dark but the atmosphere and music was very good. As we got to know each other, I kept thinking, this guys is pretty cool, please don’t look like Large Marge when we get to the light. As I ordered my 2nd glass of wine, I was wondering if he would judge my drinking but of course he didn’t. Of course, the nervous Krystal made it to glass 3, 4 and 5. We listed to the band at the bar and talked over pizza. For some reason,  I kept checking out the guitar player. I mean, he was really cute and talented, why isn’t he on my dating site.  Nate walked me and proceeded to tell me about my car and how  he used to work with Ford. At this point it turned into blah blah blah to me. I was completely turned off because I felt he was bragging about all the “commercials” he worked on. Nate wasn’t bad for my first online dating encounter. Not sure If a second date will happen but if not, I was good  first one.

That pain in my chest is not a heart attack

Currently Listening To: Musiq Soulchild – Half Crazy

I always question love. I love my friends and family. I love my cute cat named Clara. I love Lamp, but have I ever LOVED someone till my 30s, possibly may still be in love.  It felt good to tell someone you loved them and to hear it back. But are we together, no. My question is, if two people love each other, why aren’t they together? It makes sense, right? Or are you saying I love you to say it and not mean it? Why the hell do that, just seems mean and stupid. I am actually glad that I was able to feel what love was even if it ended with a broken heart. I now know that it is capable for me to do. Now will this happen again soon, hell to the no, that shit was not fun after the fact. But you never know :p
I found this poem I wrote on poetry.com maybe circa 2001. Don’t laugh at the poem, remember that I was 18 or younger who thought I loved the guy who let me borrow his pen in class yet I never knew his name. I think 18 me and 31 me has the same felling’s about what love may be.

You may have been affected

By Krystal Nicole Harris

Accelerated heart rate
Loss of breath
Shakiness
Week joints
Severe stomach ache
Ringing in ears
Hallucinations of floating
Chill trough body
Genital or vaginal weirdness
Dryness of mouth
Sweating of palms
and more.
If experiencing any of these symptoms there is no cure.
You have been affected with a virus
A virus called love
Can be 24hr or 24 years
A virus I would love to catch
Yet it seems I am immune from the virus
Though I am experiencing some of these symptoms
My virus is caught early by a broken heart.

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I’m pretty, right?

Currently Listening To : No Doubt – Ex Girlfriend

I have always been one of the boys, so I guess that’s where my nonchalant mentality to dating has come from or daddy issues, but we can get into another time. After I lost my virginity at 18, I spent most of my time having casual sex with no emotional attachment which is very easy for me. A couple of times I felt that I got caught up with feelings and shit, but as soon as that happens the guy just disappear or become a flake. So after enough time I have just put dating on the back of my head because I don’t want to get hurt.
As for being asked on dates, yeah that don’t happen. Seriously, I do not get asked out! If I do, it’s most likely by someone in their 70s who has a Diana Ross fetish or someone who is 17 who thinks I am in High School. IF I do get a digit exchange its most likely because I initiated first contact. So here is my question and the title of the blog. I’m pretty, Right?!
I have come across couples who completely don’t need to be with each other. Either one of them is unfortunate looking, or guys prefer that drama filled girl who cries at the Lion King! (that shit was pretty sad when the dad dies and stuff)
Guys seem to go for women who look completely fake from toes to nose or act completely fake. An unstable mess who is just filled with drama, a clinging heffa who needs you to contact them everyday or women who hates porn and thinks you drink too much.
Why pass on a down to earth chick who will not rob your wallet, go to strip club with you and can cuss like a sailor. I think these are all attractive qualities.
Anyhow, I have joined online dating to see what come out of that. So here is my journey and stories. Hope you enjoy and don’t get offended. Well if you do get offended then fuck off mate!

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Bonjou Pierre

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So, it was bound to happen. When you meet someone who looks NOTHING like their internet persona.

I mean NOTHING.

First of all, let me just say, looks are not everything to me. However, if you post a picture of yourself looking like Richard Gere from Pretty Women then show up looking like Mr. Bean then we have a major problem!

Pierre is name (because he was french). His online personality was very attractive. Older gentleman with a little salt and pepper in his hair, very active and HELLO french.

He had all the right internet moves. I would copy and paste his smooth pick up lines but I had to block is ass from OK Cupid. After several failed attempts to meet, I finally gave in and we made a date for an early dinner.

Now, Pierre asked me to pick a restaurant in an area he was familiar with. The area he seemed to be familiar with is West Hollywood, Now if you are reading this and are not from California, West Hollywood, or as the cool kids call it Weho, is the gay area of town. I mean this area has the gay flag flying everywhere. There is no way you can not miss that this area is very gay friendly. I choose a restaurant in West Hollywood called Bossa Nova. It is directly across from a very fab and popular gay club called The Abby.

I arrived on time which is rare for me and grabbed a seat and a something alcoholic to drink. I needed something to calm my nerves. Meeting people to see if you are a match to mate or date is a very stressful thing for me, so I need all the alcohol I can get.

As I was sitting on the patio, I see this very handsome man park his car. I got very excited because he was older and kinda looked like Pierre from the pictures. I then proceed to see another very handsome man greet him with a kiss so I know that wasn’t Pierre.

15 min later Pierre finally shows up…………………

This man DID NOT look anything like his pictures. His pictures were obviously taken 15 years ago. As I greeted him, I bit my cheek and told myself, “I am going to need a lot more drinks for this one.”

When he sat across from me, be began to complain about the parking and other things. Honestly, I stopped listening because all I could stare at was his teeth. “Are they rotting?'” is what I was thinking as he was talking.

After her stopped complaining about parking we ordered and started to play the get to know you game. The whole time he was talking this smell kept coming from somewhere. I SWEAR it was from his mouth. His teeth were rotting and the smell was ruining my appetite. I think at this point I was on drink number 3. I just HAD to get out of there fast.

He began to continue complaining. This time it was about their being a club across the street. He seemed to loathe the concept of gay people, “Oh no, I would never be caught dead in there!” He would say.

DUDE you picked the area you wanted to eat in. You apparently used to live in this area, did you not notice it was gay friendly. I couldn’t take anymore of the gay bashing. Each person is entitled to their opinion, but my brother/best friend is gay and I ain’t haven that.

When the tab came out, I usually try to offer to pay at least half of the bill. This time I sat back and ordered a shot to be added to the check and didn’t even reach for my wallet. Mr. Homophobic, you will be paying for this whole dinner and all of my drinks.

He offered to walk me to my car and I insisted no, yet he still did. When we got to my car, this fool had the nerve to try to lean in for a kiss. That rotten teeth smell hit me hard. I leaned back and told him no, I am not that kind of girl. (Well not for Mr. Gingivitis).

When I got home I immediately blocked him from OK Cupid. I then sent him a text saying his views on gays bother me and I can no longer speak to him. I then blocked him from my cell phone.

Au revoir Pierre.

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